I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
