the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
