it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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