really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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