dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
