happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
