WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
