OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
