I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You're a waste of cheezeits
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
