just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
