the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
