Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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