he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
