the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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