Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
