I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
