And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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