I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
