Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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