Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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