I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
