Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
