The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
