my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
