my sisters under your porch take her home
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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