I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
