She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
