Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
