Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
