In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
