My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
