He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
me + whiskey = a bad person
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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