Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
