I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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