I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
