woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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