Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
