These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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