If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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