I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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