But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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