just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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