Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
