Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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