Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
