Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
