im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
