There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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