I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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