The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
