i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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